“The part of you that mothers men is the part of you that wants someone to take care of you. So bring all that energy back to mothering yourself. And take the mothering equation out of your connection with men.” – something I just wrote in a communication with a potential client.
This has been topical in many of my women’s events recently.. there is often a lot of unconscious mothering that women do towards their partners, that extends beyond what is classically thought of as mothering.
- When a woman prioritises her partner’s feelings above her own on a regular basis, she is mothering him.
- When a woman is always offering unsolicited advice to her partner, she is mothering him.
- When a woman is the one in charge of all plans for the family / household, she is mothering him.
- When a woman keeps on creating her own direction and the direction for her partner, she is mothering him.
Typically, women think that mothering is about cooking meals, keeping house.. and that is all part of it. However, the trickier things to deal with happen in communication, decision-making and small ways throughout every day life.
A woman who is interested in personal development who says to her partner, do this course, do this program, this will give you the masculine energy you are looking for.. is directing him, she is mothering him.
What is more important is to share what is of value to you, what touches your heart. And then if he is interested, he will make his own explorations into this area.
Masculine and feminine energies are relative to what they are being compared to. For example, father is masculine relative to mother, however, mother is masculine relative to child. As the child receives from the mother.
When a woman is mothering her partner, she effectively makes him the child and she holds the leading / directional role in the relationship.
Some of my favourite phrases to use with my partner, to ensure not going into mothering him are:
“What do you think?” then I invite him to bring his problem solving skills in and support me… it totally changes the dynamic. One word of caution, if you ask him this question, be open to hear what he thinks and receive his wisdom. My experience is that I cannot ask this question often enough, I love how it feels, my partner loves how it feels.
“I don’t know” – if he is asking me for advice about things that I know he has the answers to. We all do this as humans, ask for advice on things that we already know, but by saying “I don’t know”, I put him back in touch with his wisdom, rather than him being dependent on mine.
I don’t know what is best for my partner. He knows that. If it’s about our relationship, I contribute my feelings and my experiences and what is important to me. That way, I am creating invitations for him. I am being a mature woman, who has her own back rather than stepping in and being his mother.
Masculine energy expands through investigation, exploration and taking risks. If I mother my partner and make our relationship safe for him, I keep him small and we both miss out on the opportunity for the full expression of his masculine.
I have had a number of women say to me that their partner wants to be mothered, or that is what men are looking for. But it all starts with you. Ask yourself, what is the energy you want to bring to men? They will feel it, they will respond to it.
If you have men around you looking for mothering, that is what you have been putting out. Going into care-taking mode is often how women validate their own sense of self-worth.
Pull that energy back for taking care of yourself. When you (woman) focus on you, he will focus on you too! When you focus on him, he focuses on him, and then you are left wondering why he is not bringing you love.