Many men are starved of affection and love. Starved of even knowing what real love and affection feels like from a woman.
So they settle for very little in their relationships, taking scraps of sex when a woman decides she “should do it for him”, often being brushed off when they extend affection, and not knowing how to ask for more of what they desire.
He knows when she is “doing it for him” and he accepts the offering but in his heart, it doesn’t feel good. In his heart, he is disappointed that she is fulfilling an obligation.
I am not saying any of this to create blame or judgement. This is simply the part of the story that stays hidden in the shadows.
I have had the honour and the privilege of working with men for many years and having had a lot of male friends, and hearing their stories, hearing their pain about relationships and sex, and feeling how lost they are about remedying the situation.
I have worked with men who have gone years and years without sex whilst still being the main provider for his family, being a good father and being a compassionate and generous man to his partner. All the while holding back his desires because he didn’t want to pressure her, didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, and didn’t want to cause any conflict.
Men’s stories are not shared publicly the way women’s stories are. Men have a fear of being bad men if they share, of being shamed for their desires, or of being wrong for speaking up about the emotional ridicule they experience from their partners.
Even inside of men’s groups, I have seen men withhold their shares, as they don’t want to speak anything that might be unfavourable towards their wife or girlfriend, in case it looks disrespectful.
We live in times where men are put down for their sexual needs and expression. Yet, sex is one way that a man can feel close to his partner. It’s one way in which he expresses his love and affection.
When a man learns to claim his needs and desires for sexual expression in a healthy way, he will no longer settle for a relationship that does not fulfil these aspects.
It’s time for men to claim their whole-bodied desires – and to do so in a mature and healthy way.
To recognise the relationships that no longer serve them and to step forward and create connections where they will be wholeheartedly loved and accepted.