Men and Love – Part 1

Why I Cup His Penis Almost Every Day

Sexual love in an intimate relationship is critical to maintaining a sense of aliveness and closeness.

Without sexual love, people become complacent, disconnected and begin to diminish their internal fire, or sense of personal aliveness. Their source of creativity, passion, intensity and joy becomes stale.
Sexual love can look different for everyone, most importantly it is acknowledging, accepting and expressing love for the sexual aspect of a partner. In the context of a heterosexual relationship, men need to receive sexual love from their partner to feel safe, to open their hearts and to feel accepted.

We live in a world where there is a lot of sexual shame. Most men I know – friends and clients – have been sexually shamed in one way or another since they were very young.

Men and Love - Part 1

Sexual shame in men exists because they internalized their mother’s experiences and beliefs about sex (whether spoken or unspoken), or they felt their fathers sexual advances being rejected, or they have been told they are wrong for wanting sex, or they have experienced rejection many times in unkind ways, or they have absorbed the cultural dialogue that paints men’s desires as wrong or unhealthy… or a combination of these experiences.

In tantra, we recognise a man’s positive polarity as his penis, meaning this is where he generates his energy. When a man starts believing he should be in his heart all the time, then his masculine energy diminishes. The flavour of him becomes more feminine. He becomes softer and lacks potency, often losing his direction and sense of purpose in the world.

Women need something to respond to in life, more importantly we crave being able to respond to the men in our lives. Our feminine nature means we are receptive, we open when there is energy to respond to. One of the strongest experiences of response that I know is responding to a man’s clean and potent sexual charge in his body.

Sexual shame diminishes his sexual charge. And so many men retract up into their hearts waiting for a woman to tell him that its okay to be sexual. For the most part that doesn’t happen, and both men and women miss out on an important part of the cycle of relationship, feeling the capacity and direction created by the sexual charge.

Men need to reclaim their sexual fire and their sexual desires. To own their sexuality in such a way that it feels clean and powerful and potent in their bodies – without projecting it onto a woman, without fantasizing and throwing lusty thoughts her way.

When a man is simply present in his body and breathes in the effects of feeling a woman, and owning the power of his desires, his masculine energy in the world is capable of being received and appreciated fully.

Just as women need to feel loved and appreciated via the heart to open sexually, men need to feel loved and appreciated sexually to open the heart.

A woman in partnership with a man can support him by cupping his penis regularly in a loving way. In my relationship when I cup his penis and offer my love through my hands, my partner feels held, emotionally safe, and deeply loved. I feel the relief wash through his body. The experience of past shame and rejection leaving his body feels tangible to me.

In those moments, I am loving him fully, allowing him to feel the ways in which I say yes to all of who he is. Offering this quality of love leads to receiving a deeper quality of love in turn. It’s not a conditional or transactional exchange.
The more deeply I love him, the more love he brings to me, and vice versa.

Some women ask me, but what about if my partner sees that as an invitation for sex, and I don’t feel like sex in that moment?
In my relationship with Rod, we have an agreement to not allow ourselves to get to the stage where either of us feels sexually starved. When people are sexually starved there is a potential for every slight touch to be interpreted as an invitation for sex.

If every touch is being interpreted as an invitation for sex, there may be some deeper issues that need to be addressed. Is sex not happening regularly between you? And why? What impact does the lack of sex have on you?

Men and Love - Part 1

Sex is essential for our individual wellbeing and critically important to our connection in relationships.

My partner knows the difference between when I touch him as an offering of love and when I touch him as a sexual invitation. There will be differences in the style of touch, an offering of love is simply cupping and holding, as though I am saying I am here and I feel you. A sexual invitation will include fondling and caressing his penis.

Beyond that, my partner can feel what is alive in my body, so even if the touch was more similar, he can tell whether I am aroused and wanting to move towards a sexual experience or whether I am simply creating connection in that moment. He has embraced the value of tuning into the different flavours of energy in my body.



Cupping a man’s penis can change his relationship to his body, creating a deeper internal connection also, helping to enliven sensitivity in his body. It also provides a deeper anchoring into sexual love and union and provides the opportunity to release past hurts and trauma stored in the body.