When Lovers Become Just Friends – By Helen Zee

Many people start their relationship with a spark and a feeling of Va-Voom, that goes onto a deeper commitment and longevity of loving intimacy.

A common question from many of the couples that I work with is “why is it hard to maintain the spark?” Some couples struggle with the challenge of their relationship feeling platonic, friendly and somewhat stagnant and often make attempts to reignite the spark with little to no success.

 The good news is that there are ways to restore the intimacy! Firstly, by acknowledging that the initial high at the beginning of a relationship is influenced by a chemical combination which is short lived and needs to be sustained by continued bonding and the activation of bonding hormones that exist when sexual intimacy is nurtured. Common reasons for diminishing intimacy include: the routine and pressures of day to day life, raising children, financial challenges, complacency and becoming habitual in affection and sexual experiences.

The most effective approach to restoring intimacy is to acknowledge it as a priority and commit to making time and space to cultivate intimacy through sensual play, magnetism and lovemaking.

The benefits of sensual play include the rise of the ‘feel good hormones’ involved in arousal and pleasure. Playing with your senses enlivens your capacity to experience pleasure, increasing your desire for your partner.

Magnetism refers to the polarity of energy between two people. The power of magnetism is that it draws two people toward each other in love and desire, keeping the spark ignited. Connecting more deeply with the experience of energy in your body allows you to more fully feel into you’re your partner and creates space for a richer experience of the connection between you.

How to cultivate ongoing sexual intimacy?

  • Stop holding back from one another. Start to have honest conversations about your needs and desires. It is often the conversations we are afraid of having that ignite a deeper sense of connection due to sharing from a vulnerable space.
  • Make a date with pleasure and prioritise intimacy. Include intention setting and eye gazing for 5-10 minutes before touch play. This creates synchronisation of your bodies and energetic space.
  • Giving and receiving, use sounds or words to let your partner know how you feel. Sounds are encouraging in intimacy and allow you and your partner to communicate in a way that is supports you both to connect to a deeper experience of pleasure.

Disconnected lovemaking reduces desire and leads couples to avoiding intimacy, negatively impacting magnetism and creating further disconnection in relationships.

Deep, connected, full-bodied lovemaking leads to higher desire for sex and intimacy and a stronger foundation where prioritising this becomes natural.


By Helen Zee